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I'm that guy that carries a boombox on his shoulder at funerals with "Circle of Life" ready to play in case a pregnant woman gives birth
The first time you have sex with someone is weird. They are always like "when are you going to untie me, you're not going to kill me, right"
I came across the most incredible pillow at a store yesterday. The sales clerk freaked out, but I was planning to buy it anyway.
If it was really a "glory hole" somebody would pass me a doughnut hole through it
A retweet is a selfless act that shows you are comfortable with others being funnier than you.
Thanks Coors light...the blue mountain disappeared reminding me I'm a pussy for not drinking my beer fast enough...great feature
When I water my Bonsai plants, I hold the spray bottle sideways to feel like a gangster.
My husband plays black ops so much, I better not hear him say "throwing sticky" before he cums next time in bed.
I support a woman's right to choose. Make whatever you want for my meal.
I slept in the wet spot last night. I hate when I spill my beer in bed.
If you're a woman and have rug burns on your knees it's safe to assume you were.... cleaning the carpet as you should be.
When the clerk in the pharmacy is a female I buy a pack of ribbed condoms just to enjoy that "how considerate" look on her face for a second
I'm sorry ladies, I'm not actually hung like a horse. It's just that saying "Hung like a black man" sounds soooooo wrong.
Those toilet paper dispensers that have a full roll behind the one that you didn't notice was empty before you sat down? A FUCKING MIRACLE!
I felt my testosterone evaporate after licking the inside of a yogurt container.
I invented a new sex position, it's called sitting on the chair bitching about not getting any.
I'm Irish, Danish and German; which means I get drunk, hide the Jews, and look for them-
Wife wants to roleplay, so I'm the computer repairman here to back that ass up onto my 3.5 inch floppy.
Michael J. Fox is probably the Jimi Hendrix of the tambourine.
If you have a NASCAR flag hanging from your house there's an 88% chance you're a divorced alcoholic.
It's not as sad if you think of the rainforest as on a successful diet for the last hundred years.
You don't know the definition of frustration until you're a double-amputee watching porn.
The guy who invented the video game cartridge died today. I hope someone blows on the side of his casket before they put it in the ground.
After being out of town for a weekend, my bank statement reads like my card was stolen by an alcoholic 9 year old.
Can you truly say you miss a departed loved one if you haven't memorialized him with a massive decal on your rear windshield?
I just found out my shit actually does stink.
I want to cut our monthly grocery budget by $40. My wife insists on $33. Negotiations fell through. The family is shutting down at midnight.
Hey Ms. Jackson I know Andre 3000 already apologized but I too am sorry and would also like remind you that I am for real as well.
Having HOT passionate sex on the beach with the one you love, then realizing you're by yourself, sitting on the bus, masturbating.
Sure, I'll spend $5 on a cup of coffee, but I draw the line at paying 44ยข to have someone travel 3000 miles to hand deliver a letter for me.
I fake orgasms when I'm getting a blowjob. It's easy, I just pee a little bit.
No one ever suspects that the families in Olive Garden ads are laughing because somebody told racist joke, but that is what's going on.