Submit Your Own Status
I was trying to read a guy's shirt and things got awkward when he caught me. So I started masturbating and yelled "Whaddya looking at fag?"
If I had money to "own" things and I was a landlord, I'd think of Anne Frank as the perfect tenant. Just scribbling away, quiet as a ninja.
My wife is a 'stay-at-home mom'. That's why she couldn't join the kids and me at the restaurant for brunch :(
I can't take Viagra. It goes straight to her hips.
Sign up for my Notify List and get email when I update!

email:
powered by NotifyList.com
Speaking of mothers, where the fuck is my dinner?
Wife's hand just brushed across my penis. And while I normally wouldn't consider that we just had sex, I'm factoring in how long it's been.
Bulimia. Such an ugly word for something that makes you look so pretty. Lol, J/K, you're a little bigger than I like.
Was gonna cook an authentic meal for Cinco De Mayo & bought a Mexican cookbook, but the 1st instruction of every recipe was Steal a Chicken.
It is impossible to get a woman's phone number at the mall with my kids constantly running up to me and saying that mommy is looking for me.
If you don't carry around a jar of your own urine, how will you protect yourself from sneak jellyfish attacks? Think ahead, people! 10 hours ago
Did some manscaping today. That dude was pissed.
I hate how fucking awesome it feels to tear through Barbie's hair with a brush and not hear any screaming. 10 hours ago
Somewhere, George W. snaps a crayon in anger while scowling at the TV in his Flinstones PJs and ten-gallon hat.
My 4 y/o hasn't had an accident in a while, but it still worries me every time he's my designated driver.
Your call is important to us. Not so important that we'll properly staff our call center so you aren't waiting on hold for an hour, though.
If women had to have orgasms to get pregnant, I'd be eating in peace right now.
If you're a conjoined twin, and you masturbate, could that count as a handjob?
My housekeeper is sick, so I'm forced to wash my own farts out of my own bed sheets like some kind of fucking animal
FI. I don't mind coming to work everyday, but this 8 hour wait to go home is bullshit!
When I see Prom Couples at a restaurant, I visualize the hot girl crying as her friends leave for college while she stays home all pregnant.
1. SMACK! 2. SMACK!! 3. SMACK!! what the heck?! the sheep I'm counting in my head must be tired too cause they keep running into the fence... GOOD NIGHT all :)
I REMEMBER WHEN CELL PHONES WERE 1G, AND WE LIKED IT!
I love when a woman says those three little words after sex: "You meant well."
If you have 20 comments on your Facebook status and more than half of them are your own, YOU are what's wrong with America.
You ever get so into making out with someone that the world just disappears and it's like you're not even in jail anymore?
Woke up in the ball pit at McDonald's, underwear full of dollar bills. So far, best birthday ever.
If you put an empty 40 up to your ear, you can hear the ghetto.
Blowjobs not only feel great, they're also a great way to get your girl to shut the fuck up. WinWin.
You call them "bullies." I call them "crusaders against childhood obesity."
If "dress for the job you want" were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
When a girl sucks your finger during sex she's really saying, "Gee, I wish there was more dick here."
I had a dream last night that I was masturbating to porn. Even my dreams have given up on me ever having sex again.