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You know that satisfying sleep, the kind that comes and envelops you like a warm blanket then leaves you feeling totally refreshed? Me either! What's with that?
If you piss me off i will drop you faster than an AT&T call
I sometimes wonder why I still have a land line? But without it I would never find my cellphone!
I'd like to see rotary dials make a comeback on cell phones and watch how long it takes for people to text. lol would take 5 minutes!
It's not called stalking...it's called investigating!!
I hate it when you're texting while lying down and your phone decides to be a ninja, slips through your fingers, and attacks your face!
May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who ruins your day...and may their arms be too short to scratch.
You wonder why I'm so quiet and keep to myself... Well i was always taught if i didn't have anything nice to say then don't say anything :)
Reasoning with a toddler is like nailing Jell-O to a tree...
Shh...I'm secretly a pink ninja
Question for all you Facebook junkies: What's the longest you've ever gone without checking your Facebook?
you know your a good parent when your child(ren) tell you they hate you. :)
if you think I'm always on Facebook you must always be on 2
Christmas songs for the Schizophrenic -- Do You Hear What I Hear???
Naps are wasted on Pre-school kids. They just don't appreciate them. That is why adults should get daily nap times at work.
Man at Walmart asked me the name of "Mommys Lil Helpers". Judging by his face "Xanax & Vodka" wasnt the reply he was looking 4
I'm Irish, Danish and German; which means I get drunk, hide the Jews, and look for them-
My Windows computer is just like my boss. It's always asking me for 'Updates' when I'm trying to watch porn.
I think "Bieber fever" would make a great slang term for AIDS.
I am not the biggest slut around. Ms Pacman is. She swallows balls till she dies. So there
I just saw a guy I used to sleep with at the liquor store. Don't act like you've never slept at the liquor store.
You think you've got problems?I dropped my cocaine in the snow this morning.
How did "Hans Solo" not catch on as an euphemism for masturbation?
omeone in my apartment hallway just yelled "JUST LET ME HAVE SEX WITH YOU." I like it here. These are my people.
My doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
It seems the chalk outline on my front porch has kept the Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses from ringing the doorbell.
If I get ornaments as gifts Im going to thank the gifter, glare at them, then slowly crush it into little pieces in my hand
It's all fun and games and good weed until someone reheats a burrito wrapped in foil in the microwave.
es honey, the "To be ironed" and the "Fuck it" piles are the same. Have a beer.
Dont know why my psychiatrist is so concerned about me. At least I dont own a bunch of inkblots that look like a dead girls vagin
Leaving water next to a plant then letting it die shows the other plants in the house Im not about to put up with their shit
F*ck the "Tea Party" I'm having a "Mushroom Tea Party" my lawn is yelling at the dogs and my shoes ran away. I'm scared.