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Look at your man. Look at me. Look back. Now look at me. What are we selling. Im confused. Blame the mushrooms. Im on a horse
Does anyone know if it's worth signing up for this sex offender registry? Will I learn any new moves or techniques?
So guess how many of my my co workers know how to cook meth? All of them.
I'm so boozed and twasted I went to the pharmacy and begged them to sell Plan A instead of Plan B
Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. Have credit card out and pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.
I can't believe I'm googling "hookers for jesus"
"Got your nose" make sure the victim is willing. Also, that your not at a urinal. Also, that its their nose
Oh shit, I have a boner. Time to stop twittering and get on Chatroulette.
need advice. delivering eulogy at buddy's daughter's funeral. is it inappropriate to put a tip jar on the casket?
everyones so into cinco de mayo . just wait till ocho de june-o.. i will be trashed. this ones too easy
Hitting the gym. Lying! Hitting this bong. Kidding! It's the children. I'm hitting the children.
Lego people hands make them look like they're always ready to drink up or jerk off.
Drinking is the best way to kill time waiting for cookies to cool b4 decorating WOOHOO WHO WANTS MOTHERFUCKIN SPRINKLES
They put "Please dont litter" on the of my beer can in tiny lettering. Psh like I can read that at 3am driving at 90 mph
Explained sexting to my mom and now she wants to try it with my dad and now I'm going to kill myself in the face.
Marry hot girl. Plan B: Marry average girl that can cook. Plan C: Hookers and Poptarts. I always want to be friends with the people that need shopping carts at the liquor store. I bet those people are fun.d
how many people have gone to bed so angry with someone you've pretended to have a nightmare, just so you can roll over and punch them in the head? ;)
I couldn't ask for better friends . . . I could ask for more NORMAL friends but not better ones :) !!!! xx
"I'll never lie to you" and "I'll never hurt you" are the two biggest lies ever told by a guy.
randomly changing my status because I'm bored.
your name is squishy! you shall be mine! you shall be my squishy! NO! BAD SQUISHY BAD!!! bored dory-moment finding-nemo funny quotes
When life shuts a door on Me,I don't wait for another door to open,I say "Oh hell no!" and Kick the door down :)
I wonder if people who think the world will end in 2012 giggle to themselves when they buy something with no payments until 2013?
now in a relationship with an ice cold beer.
Do you know what would be playing in my car stereo if i was ever in a High Speed Chase??? the music from Super Mario Brothers after you get a star...
If i don't remember it then it does not count
We're buddies! You laugh, I laugh, you hurt, I hurt, you smile, I smile, You jump off a cliff, I'll miss you
And he said "you wont find another like me", So she said "I hope not"
"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." ~Albert Einstein~
common sense is so rare, it should almost be classified as a superpower!
A brave yellow sponge once said "I am the master at Kara-tay." xD
ALLLLL those years of Spongebob and we STILL don' know the secret formula!